Mothers have the reputation of always knowing best and for good reason. They are often the children’s primary caregivers and they’ve helped them through numerous developmental stages.

Because of that, mothers have a certain wisdom about their kids and how they are feeling. They can often tell when a child is feeling happy or hurt, or pretending to be either. So they tend to be the first to notice when their child brings home a toxic friend or romantic partner.

Call it maternal instinct?

The idea of a maternal instinct is popular but it’s largely a myth. It gives the idea that mothers innately know what their children need and exactly how to take care of them. In reality, parenthood is a big life adjustment and it comes with a lot of trial and error while “learning on the job”.

For instance, a parent may be able to distinguish between the different cries of their newborn. But this doesn’t come from instinct; it comes from hours of observing, caring for, and bonding with the child.

Call it mother’s wisdom

Instincts, by definition, are rigid and unchanging, but good parenting comes from drive and adaptability. Therefore, “mother knowing best” is not a given; it’s a result of hard work to develop a connection with the child.

Therefore, when a mother feels something is “off” about their child’s friend or romantic partner, it’s not a magical intuition. There are grounded reasons behind the “gut feeling” even if the mom can’t put her finger on it.

Reflect first

It’s important to distinguish between a gut feeling and good old-fashioned stress. “Mother’s wisdom” is often used for both. Is the romantic partner actually bad news or are you worried about the child becoming vulnerable to heartbreak for the first time?

One way to distinguish between intuition and fear is that the former tends to feel neutral while the latter comes with charged emotions. Take time to reflect in a relaxing environment on why you might be feeling negative toward the child’s new relationship. Is it because of the other person or something to do with you?

For example, you may be upset because of the person’s physical appearance, interests, socioeconomic status, race, etc. Maybe you’re upset because your precious angel could “do better”.

Who is your child really?

If you have a bad gut feeling about a child’s friend or partner, pause to examine your own child. It’s natural for parents to see their kids with rose-colored glasses. But this can lead to parents blaming the social circle for the child’s bad behavior. After all, if our kids are perfect then their friends/partners are the problem. But the truth is that like attracts like. People tend to gravitate to people they feel a kinship with. The traits you dislike about the other person may be present in your child as well.

How to discuss the toxic friend or romantic partner

Don’t assume anything; instead start asking questions in a calm, neutral manner. Children, especially teenagers, can tell when parents are trying to interrogate them or fish for negative answers about the friend/partner. Wait until you can ask from curiosity instead of disapproval. Try questions like:

• What do you like about the person?
• What do you like best about the friendship/relationship?
• What do you enjoy doing together?
• What are your friends/partner’s interests?

At the same time, try to get to know the friend/partner. You may be pleasantly surprised by them, and the child will appreciate the effort. Even if you don’t end up liking them, look for positive qualities; understand why your child is attracted to this person. This will create empathy, which will make the child more likely to confide in you without fear of judgement.