Don’t oppose outright

If you immediately oppose the friendship/relationship, your child is most likely to stay with the person, just not when you’re around. But by being welcoming, you can observe and monitor the pair up close. You can also respectfully express your specific concerns.

For instance, instead of saying that a friend is a bad influence, try “I’m concerned your friend is skipping school since I don’t want you to do that.” Begin a discussion and don’t make threats or ultimatums since this shuts down effective communication.

Let children fail

Unfortunately, children need to make mistakes to learn and improve. All the mothers’ wisdom in the world can’t protect them from getting hurt. However, you can make them feel safe to turn to you for advice and comfort.

“It’s our job to keep our children safe and healthy. It’s not our job to prevent them from experiencing negative emotions or challenging experiences,” says Sarah Bren, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY.

“If you are able to identify your own negative feelings about this friendship and also recognize that your child is enjoying this friendship, or perhaps there are bumps and challenges to the relationship that aren’t dangerous, it may be worth sitting back and trusting in your child’s capacity to navigate these rougher waters.”

Let children learn

Moreover, don’t directly complain about the friend’s inappropriate behavior, since this will likely make your child instinctively defend them. Instead, ask how the misconduct makes them feel. For example, if a friend teases your child’s clothes, ask the child how they felt hearing the criticism. This will help them learn and understand what behavior is part of a good friendship/relationship.

“Most of all, we want to send the message to our kids that we trust them to choose pals, engage in relationships, and navigate the sometimes murky waters of friendships,” says Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and director at Horizons Developmental Resource Center in Caledonia, MI.

“It doesn’t mean we can’t provide some input, guidance, and be there to support them in their sadness when things don’t go well. But we don’t insert ourselves inappropriately. This is about our kids—not us!”

Make new friends

Encourage the child to make new groups of friends by participating in different activities they enjoy. You can also encourage them to reconnect with old friends. Help make these opportunities possible by offering to provide transportation, space at home, equipment, or the like.

Dangerous individuals

However, don’t doubt “mother’s wisdom” when the friend or partner puts your child in emotional or physical danger. Calmly but firmly express your concerns, and if needed, set boundaries to distance the child and the other person. At the same time, be empathetic and listen to the child’s feelings.

Reassure them you love them and want them to have relationships that make them feel safe, confident, and cared for, while explaining how this relationship couldn’t provide that. The child is likely to respond with anger and hurt, so give them space to express these emotions and the time to process them.

Give it time

Cheerful little african american daughter sitting on back seat of car looking at mother from mirror while travelling. Young fun woman with cheerful female kid enjoying road trip. Traveling in car.

Sometimes time is the best solution. Friends and romantic interests come and go, especially for children and teenagers. Sometimes the confrontation isn’t necessary because the relationship will dissolve soon enough anyway. Just remember to be empathetic and comforting to the child when they’re upset about the ending of the friendship or romance—even when you’re inwardly celebrating.